Coming Down Crashing – November 27th, 2000

My head hurts.

School today was interesting. Aside from the fact that I feel like complete shit, I had to come back to the crazy mess that I’d set up for myself last Friday.

I checked my email this morning and I had 7 emails from my ‘friends’ from school, about what happened the other day. Some were apologies, some were threats. I have to admit, the threats were the best ones, because these people are all words and no action, so we will see what happens there.

There was an email from Jeff. I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks because I’d blocked his email. It seems he’s finally worked out he can just get another email account and get through to my email that way. Looks like we have a genius on our hands.

Anyway. I tossed and turned last night for hours and hours. I know it was because I was still dealing with the amount of drugs and alcohol I consumed on Friday night. There was no way I could sleep like that. I ended up creeping into my mum’s bathroom, and snagging some sleeping pills. That was both a good idea and a bad idea.

 

Good idea because:

1. I actually managed to get to sleep

2. I didn’t even hear my dad snoring (Which is pretty unbelievable. This is a person who could rattle the dead out of their graves with the amount of snorting he does in the night)

 

Bad idea because:

1. My mum had to shake me awake 4 times to get me up, and this also included a lot of swearing

2. I spent the whole day wondering if I actually was awake, or if I was dreaming

 

As soon as I got to school, Chels was waiting for me at the gates. She ran up to me like nothing had happened the other day and threw her arms around me. She said she ‘understands’ what I’m going through at the moment, that it was wrong for her to judge me, that she should have stood by me. Then she handed me an envelope. I put it into my bag because I knew it would be awkward to open it in front of her.

The rest of the day was really strange. All my ‘friends’ acted like nothing had happened on Friday. Someone even bought me a pie and a strawberry milk at lunch time. I wonder what’s going on.

After lunch though, I just crashed. I suddenly felt so depressed and shit about everything. About Shane, about my friends, about the weekend and what I got up to. I felt really shit about me. I also felt dizzy, like I had no energy. In class my eyes couldn’t even really stay awake anymore.

I excused myself and went and sat in a bathroom stall and just cried and cried. After crying for about 15 minutes my teacher came and found me. I told her I was really sick, so she let me go and spend some time in the sick bay.

I lay on the bed in there for about 30 minutes when my mum came to pick me up. She put her hand on my forehead and said I look like I have the flu. And that was when I felt really ashamed about the truth. Imagine if she knew…

 

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A Little Packet – November 26th, 2000

I’ve done something I’m really ashamed of.

I’m never ashamed, so I know it’s bad.

Friday night I got really drunk. Actually, ‘really drunk’ is such a massive understatement that I for once don’t have words to describe something.

I’ll start from the beginning. But I’m still hungover… this is going to be a hard one.

It all started at the party. And the party started out really really great.

I was hanging out with everyone as usual, we were all having a laugh. Then Lissy comes up to me, grabs me by the arm and yanks me out to the garden. She had such a serious look on her face. She’s never that serious, kind of smiley and happy-go-lucky. But I could tell we were about to talk about something really bad, and my stomach was in my mouth.

She sat me down on a bench and blurted it straight out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

I was completely shocked, and I literally had no idea what she was talking about, so I asked her.

“You and Shane”, she said. “I know what you guys are planning on doing. Tell me you’re not fucking serious”.

I was shocked. Firstly, how did she even know? Secondly, it was only a week ago that everyone was oooh-ing and aaahhh-ing about how ‘awesome’ it was and ‘amazing’. And now it’s come to “What the fuck are you doing?”

Then she ranted on at me for about an hour about how fourteen year old girls should not be planning on running away with someone. Fourteen year old girls should not be planning on getting married at sixteen. Fourteen year old girls shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone.

She’s a little older than me, and boy has she had some life. So even though I was pissed off as hell that she was judging me, I guess I listened more than I would have if anybody else had been saying this to me.

And then I really started to think about it, and I felt, frightened I guess. Really suddenly scared that I’d planned my whole life over a period of about two weeks. I do love Shane, and I think I want to marry him one day. But how do I really know that?

Do I even really know anything? Or am I just looking for someone to hold onto in the dark times?

Anyway, after this conversation, she went inside, then grabbed Shane by the arm, and went and talked to him sternly for a really long time.

He stormed out of the room and punched the wall, so I guess he didn’t take to her ranting as well as I did.

After all this thinking, I got obliterated. I drank EVERYTHING. I drank my drink, then another drink, then another drink, then other people’s drinks, then dregs of drinks. Then I smoked a whole joint. Then I wastedly stumbled around trying to find something else to drink.

Then Shane sat me down and told me off. “Slow down”, he kept saying. “You’re drinking way too much. Have some water. Go lie down”.

But I wasn’t ready to stop partying.

A couple of people were all hanging out in the bedroom, so I went in there, seeing as all my actual friends were being such dick heads.

Someone brought out a little packet, and I thought, “What the hey”. So I joined in.

All of a sudden I felt really weird, and just lay flat on my back for what felt like a million years, feeling really calm. Feeling really high, like nothing mattered, when it did matter, and I shouldn’t have done that.

And now I’m here in my bed, not feeling calm. Not feeling good. Feeling really pissed off with myself, my friends, my boyfriend… but mostly myself. What the hell am I doing?

I need to calm down, take a step back.

Fuck.

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Late-night Party Girl – November 24th, 2000

I’m writing this now at 11:30pm.

I  wasn’t supposed to be going out tonight. I’d honestly and truly planned to spend the evening in bed with the TV, just hanging out and eating frozen Snickers bars.

BUT then I get a phone call, a really really late phone call which made my dad really fucking angry. But he let me take it.

Apparently everyone wants to have a little party tonight, and it’s not like I’m going to say no. It’s the worst thing ever when they have parties and you don’t go along, because it means for the next few times everyone just goes on and on about how it was “The BEST PARTY EVER”, and “such and such did this, such and such did that, oh wasn’t blah blah blah so funny”.

And anyway, after the scene I made today at school (and I’m still pretty pleased with myself, so I’m sure I did the right thing), I need a drink and a big smoke on a big joint.

So here I am now, trying to make my bed hair look a little less bed-hairy, and my sleepy eyes look a little more like pretty eyes. We will see.

The parental unit are already drunkenly sleeping so I guess this is my lucky night.

Shane’s getting me in 10 minutes.

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Throwing Petrol on a Bonfire – November 24th, 2000

Many might disagree, but to me, today was probably the best day at school I’ve ever had. Before you judge what I’m going to say, please remember that over the last few days all I’ve had from people is gossip, weird looks, nasty remarks, and that’s if I’m not being completely ignored.

I know that I go to a Catholic school, and a lot of my friends are religious. Even I’m religious I guess, in a way, because I’ve been brought up that way by my nan… but I don’t see why that always means that it has to get in the way with what I want to do with my body.

A million people could argue against what I just said, but sometimes the human side takes over, where we know what we’re doing might not be what we’re ‘supposed’ to do, but it’s what we feel we want to do. And as a human, feeling like I should do something often becomes the most important thing.

I guess what I did today would be what some people would call ‘un-Christian’, but I don’t care right now, getting my own back on those two-faced bitches is all that’s on my mind.

I love it how the whole time they’ve been talking about me, and spreading malicious gossip, they had conveniently forgot what I’ve got on them… heh heh heh.

Today after 3rd period, because we were in the good room, everyone sort of hung back after class when the bell rang. It’s a way better place to hang out at lunch than outside because everyone can listen to music and do their thing.

Anyway, after our teacher left, that’s when things got really weird. All my supposed friends turned their back on me and went and clustered in the corner together, looking back at me now and again and laughing. There was about 10 other girls in the room too, just dotted around together.

So, I stood on a chair and yelled out to get everyone’s attention. Then I said something along the lines of:

“Hey guys. Er, yeah, this is pretty awkward, but I thought it was best to get it out in the open. But I started having sex the other week”, (this was when I opened my mouth like I was shocked), “Crazy eh? Actually, it’s not really that crazy considering someone else from our year is having a BABY. Well, I just want you all to know that shock horror, the world hasn’t ended, I haven’t been struck down by lightning. Thanks for listening”.

They all looked at me with their mouths open when Chels said, “Ugh. What has gotten into you lately?”

Shanti said, “Why are you being such a slut?”

So I got back on the chair. “Oh reaaally Shanti? Interesting that you think I’m a slut when you did this…” Then I pulled out of my blazer a few pieces of paper that I’d stolen from her diary, entries which she had written about her internet boyfriend. Then I read a few lines aloud.

“Darren. I cried so hard tonight when my mum was on the phone for the whole night and I couldn’t meet you in the chat room. I can’t stop thinking about your arms around me. I want you so bad…” And that was all I needed to say.

Everyone was in hysterics.

I looked at her face and deep down I knew that I should feel bad, but I didn’t. I felt really good watching her squirm. It was just two seconds ago that she had called me a slut.

Then Chels was screaming, “What the fuck is wrong with you what the fuck is wrong with you?”.

“What’s wrong with me?” I said, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re the one that’s always obsessed with everything I do. Jealous of boys I go out with. Trying to control my life”.

Then out of my pocket I pulled another piece of paper. It was a poem she wrote to me about how much she loves me and all kinds of soppy stuff. I only had to wave it at her and say, “Don’t make me do it”.

She threw her hands up, and her eyes welled with tears. I wasn’t going to do it, I just wanted her to know I could.

She picked up her bag and ran out of the room. The rest of them followed her.

When they left all the other girls were laughing and patting me on the back, because apparently they don’t like my friends, who they called ‘prissy’. But it’s not like I don’t like my friends, more that I wanted to take the power back.

For the rest of the day, and I know I should be ashamed to say this (but I’m not), I had a smile on my face the WHOLE DAY. I don’t even care if they don’t ever want to speak to me again. I just wanted to teach them a lesson.

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Whispers in the Corridor – November 23rd, 2000

Things have been going really strange over the past couple of days.

Nobody is really talking to me at school. They are talking ABOUT me in whispers behind their hands, but not to my face.

In class I’d seen the three of them passing a note back and forth between them, but because I was on a different table I didn’t think anything of it.

Even Chels has been shunning me. Today at lunch time I walked out of class and everyone just kind of fled. I looked around for them in the usual place we sit, but they weren’t there. Then I ended up starting to feel a bit panicked when I couldn’t find them.

Then I realised I’d been ditched.

I sat down and read for a while instead. But I really, really feel like shit about this whole thing.

I know they think I’m gross for doing what I did, but I thought they’d be behind me. Nobody even knows who it is that I’ve slept with. They don’t even know the back story. I feel like I kind of want to tell them, but at the same time it’s my own personal business.

I know that’s why they’re not speaking to me. Because they think they’re scaring me into telling them. I’d rather sit alone. But if they think they’re going to get away with this lightly they’ve got another thing coming.

I’m going to do something, but I’m not sure what yet.

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Love and Lust – November 21st, 2000

I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. Mainly about love. And I’m feeling really confused, so I talked to some of my friends at school. In a round about way because I don’t want them to know about anything I’ve been doing, I don’t want them to know that I’m sleeping with Shane.

Things in my inner circle have a way of getting leaked to pretty much everyone in school. And not just that, but everyone in my group back stabs eachother. What they say to your face is not what they say behind your back. In the last few days I’ve already heard people calling me a slut. Even though they don’t know anything. They don’t even know if the gossip is true or not, they just choose to believe what they want. Imagine if they knew the truth, it would be over for me.

I’m not a slut, not at all. I’m not an idiot, I know I’m young. I know I am. But I can’t help what I feel like, how was I to know this was going to happen?

Anyway, I asked them about love and sort of hypothetically skirted around my situation as a ‘what if’… scenario. All of them told me that they don’t think we’re old enough to really be in love. They said they think we’re at the age where the only thing we can feel is lust.

And now I’m wondering if this is true.

I wish I’d never asked them.

Oh well, whatever it is I’m just going to go with it.

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My So Called “Birthday Party” – November 19th, 2000

Woke up yesterday, wishing I could relive the whole of Friday and not have to do whatever I have planned for my birthday. But here I am.

Had an email from that guy Damian at the bus stop. He’s so weird. He’s been writing to me about his school life and all kinds of strange random things that mean nothing. I think he’s trying to be obscure so that I’ll like him. I have him Chels’ email. It’s about time she had a love life.

Last night me and Chels met a guy called Joe online. He’s kind of sweet, I guess. We met him on ICQ when we were killing some time.

He kept messaging us to get his phone number out of his info and give him a call. Who even has their phone number in their info anyway? You’d have to be pretty laid back about being stalked.

We’re not weirdos I swear, but we called him anyway, and he turned out to be a really funny guy. He was making us laugh the whole night.

He was singing down the phone to us, “7 Days” by Craig David. It was really funny. But wow, he can sing. Chels was giving me eyes while he was singing to us. She’s too romantic for her own good.

I would have sung too, but you know, I only do musicals in person.

After we got off the phone we were sitting in the lounge with my sister and her friend. (My parents had made a swift exit for the weekend to go drinking at their local again, surprise surprise). I was drinking a coke, I must have had 3 glasses. Wishing that there was rum in it so I could have a proper party.

We had the music up loud, listening to Queen, who I don’t even really like by the way, but Chel does. We got kind of hyperactive (must have been all the chocolate), and did our own rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. It was pretty funny when we got to the, “So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye” part, because we both stood up and started moshing in the lounge. I accidentally smashed over one of mum’s ornaments. My sister was on the floor in hysterics.

She helped me pick up all the smashed pieces, then I went and hid it under a rock in the garden. I really hope she doesn’t notice.

It was kind of a funny night. It was good hanging out with my sister for a change. When she’s not being a brat she’s really fun to be around… But she’s mostly just a brat.

I’ve been thinking about what it would be like to leave her behind, when I run away. I think it would be sad. I’d miss her so much, even though she annoys me. And I know she’ll cry, and that would really upset me. I wouldn’t want her to be sad.

Right now, Chels is in a shitty with me because I’m choosing to write in this book instead of talking to her.

She’s made me angry because she said I should be at the next social because it would be the last one that me and George will have together. Like I care about George anymore, he’s the last thing I’m thinking of right now. It’s like she thinks that we had some kind of great romance. We didn’t. I know that now.

There she goes again, sticking her nose into my business. Why can’t she get it through her thick head that me and him just aren’t an item anymore? We never really were, I was just kidding myself.

On the upside (or downside, depending on how you look at it), I’ve been going around singing, “My darling I, can’t get enough of your love, babe”, by Barry White. Thinking of Shane. Because apparently I’m that lame now.

I can’t wait to leave here. Happy birthday to me.

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The Best Birthday Present – November 17th, 2000

Today, after my parents left, I shot straight out of bed, took the pain killers mum gave me earlier, and ran myself a bath.

Baths are the best way to start the day. I soaked in there for about 40 minutes until the water started to go a little cold. We have coconut body wash at the moment, and I used about half of it. It smells so good. I love coconut right now.

When I got out the shower, I put coconut oil on my legs too. See? I just can’t get enough of the stuff.

Smelling a bit like a cake, I walked to my room naked to decide what to wear today. That’s the great thing about being home alone. Walking around naked. It’s a great feeling, unless you get caught.

I went into my wardrobe to decide what to wear. That was the hardest thing in the world. I kept looking in there and seeing absolutely nothing, NOTHING, that I wanted to wear today. I get so depressed looking in there sometimes. I wish I had pretty clothes like the other girls at school.

I ended up picking out a sky blue dress with a white hawaiian pattern. This is NOT, I repeat NOT the sort of thing that I’d usually wear. It’s a bit out of fashion now, Hawaiian print is so 6 months ago, heh heh. But in all honesty, I usually wear mostly dark coloured clothing, black if possible. But today is special and I want to look like a girl.

I blow dried my hair so it would look silky, it’s past shoulder length at the moment.

I was just applying my makeup when there was a bang at the door. I held my breath trying not to panic, because it sounded like the way dad bashes his fists on the door when I’ve done something…

I opened the door, and phew, it was just Shane.

‘Just’ Shane. Strange way of putting that when it’s not how I feel.

He handed me a bunch of pink daisies, and a box of chocolates. “Early birthday present”, he said. EEK! Cute! He said I looked beautiful. I didn’t feel it, I felt like an idiot in that dress, but who knows, maybe I did look okay.

He’d bleached his hair back the other day, and it’s usually spiked. But today, his hair was gone. He’d shaved his head with like, a number one or something. It was so, so short. It looked SO GOOD.

He was wearing a navy flannel check shirt, which had little dots of paint on it from where he’d been helping his dad paint the fence. He was wearing a white t-shirt underneath. I honestly haven’t seen anyone look as good as he did this morning.

His hair kind of reminded me of Eminem. So that makes him a Mexican Eminem. Mexinem, if you will.

I grabbed him by the shirt and kissed him really hard and pushed him through to my room. He’s never really been in my house before, because we’ve never wagged school together. He laughed when he saw my posters, but I just pushed him down onto my bed and kissed again to stop him mocking my Freddy Prinze JR poster.

It was nice, being in my bed together with him. I felt like a grown up. Like this was our house. I swear, we’d fooled around in there for 2 hours before I realised that I should probably call mum.

I went to pick up the phone and a weird tone came up. The phone had been cut off.

This would usually be a bad thing. A terrible, unthinkable thing. But today it was a blessing in disguise.

No phone meant I could go out. Nobody would be able to contact me, and would assume I was there, but had no phone connection.

This was the plan:

Dad wouldn’t be back until 3pm at the earliest, which meant that we could go out for a few hours. On the way back home, I’d pick up Lucozade and some more pain killers from the shop. That way it would look like I’d just wandered up the road for supplies if dad came home before I was back.

I quickly put on my bikini and threw some towels in my bag, locked up the house, and we walked around the corner to his car.

We went straight to the beach.

It was warm, but not hot. But who cares about the weather.

We put down our towels next to eachother and took our clothes off so we were sunbathing in our togs. I was lying on my side, facing him.

He started pulling faces at me, and when I laughed a gust of wind came and filled my eyes and mouth with sand. I started shaking my head and poking my tongue out. So embarassing! He was laughing his ass off at me.

We were lying there for an hour laughing about pretty much everything, when we went quiet.

He kissed me lightly, then he said, “I love you”.

I smiled and told him I love him too. My heart was banging, actually thumping. I’d never really done this before.

Then something changed in his eyes a bit and he said, “I know you love me. But things are different now. I LOVE you love you. Before, we were just like best friends, but now it’s more”.

So this is it, I thought, time for ‘that’ talk. I’d been dreading it. Sure that he would want to call it off or cool it down. And I didn’t think I wanted that.

“When you’re 16, we’ll run away together”.

I was laughing. Surely he was kidding?

He told me he was serious. Deadly serious. He wanted us to get out of this place and go somewhere, just me and him. And then I realised, so did I. I started thinking then, the second that I turn 16, I’m packing my bags and I’m going with him.

“Are we really going to do it?” I asked him. He nodded at me seriously. I think it’s what we both need. Our home lives are so shit, we need to make a new start.

I wish we could do it now, but we’re not that stupid. With me being under 16, they’d find me straight away and drag me back to that place. If I’m 16, I can just refuse.

I can’t think of anything better than to go off with him. I just hope time goes quickly.

He told me that he wanted to make me his wife one day. That’s so old fashioned. But it’s his culture. His mum married his dad young, and he wanted to do that too.

It’s all too much to take in so quickly.

I know all of this probably sounds really stupid, really teenage and silly and idiotic. But it isn’t to me. To me, it means everything.

We held hands in the sun for a while, but the time went too quick and before we knew it, it was time to go home.

On the way back we snuck kisses from eachother when we were sat at the traffic lights. We picked up my Lucozade and pain killers.

When we got back home there was still nobody home. YAY!

I snuck Shane back into the house where we had a shower and washed off all the sand, then went back to bed.

Then, at the wrong moment, I heard dad’s van come down the path.I swear both our faces went white.

Shane clambered back into his jeans, picked up all his clothing in a ball, kissed me goodbye and shot out of the window and over the fence to the neighbours garden before I could even blink.

I quickly put on the TV, chucked on a t-shirt, and opened my Lucozade, kicked my presents under my bed.

Dad put his head around the door. “How are you feeling?” He asked me.

“Much better”, I replied. “Oh, and the phone’s out”

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Pulling a Sickie – November 17th, 2000

This morning so far is going perfectly. I didn’t even have to really lie because I DID have a headache from lack of sleep from the past 2 days. I woke my mum up at about 5:30am and begged her for some pain killers. Strong ones. Groggily, she got up and gave me some of her tablets from under her bathroom sink.

I didn’t take them.

At 6am, I woke her up again and told her that my head was still really bad. She told me to try and get some sleep.

I kept my eyes wide open until she came to get me out of bed at 6:45am. When she came into the room she walked in to find me wide awake, looking a bit sick, with a cold flannel on my head.

“Oh, you’re looking ill love. I think it’s best if you stay home today”.

YES FUCKING YES!

I stayed in bed while they were all getting ready, lying there in the same position. She brought me in a cup of milky tea and asked if I wanted the TV on. I said no, that it would just make the headache worse.

And when I heard dad’s van leave, and mum’s car follow him up the driveway, my heart leapt!

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Wishing You Were Someone Else – November 17th, 2000

It’s my birthday in a few days, and I’m not going to get to be with the people that I really want to celebrate with.

I have Chels coming over to stay the night tomorrow, and I think my sister has her friend over too. My parents are going to get a cake, fizzy drink, chocolate and chips, and some horror movies. If only they knew what I reeeally did in my spare time. It’s not that kind of party at all.

There IS a party tomorrow night too. A proper one. With loud music and alcohol and dancing. If Chels wasn’t such a downer I would take her out to it, introduce her to some people and show her some things. Let her meet Shane, and watch her eyes get envious because of how much of a babe he is, heh heh.

But she’s not like that.

I sometimes fantasise about her being someone different. If she was just like me and just wanted to get out there and do things and see things. If she wanted to break rules, and sometimes say the wrong things, and wear clothes that were different.

That’s not a nice way of thinking.

I do like being her friend. I really do. She is a nice girl, really nice, and sweet too. But in the last year I feel like she’s trying to pull closer and closer to me, and I’ve been trying to pull away from her. It’s almost a suffocating feeling.

Technically, she’s my best friend. But we don’t really have that much in common. She gets jealous and doesn’t like it when I talk to boys, or when I talk to other people on the phone, and she always wants to know about everything I do.

It’s not her fault, but I’m just not that kind of person. I don’t have friends who are girls that I can really be myself with. I feel like they never get me or they are just judging me.

Anyway, I feel mean saying these things, and I have to get ready to tell mum that I’m too sick for school today. It’s 5am. Let the games begin.

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