Killing Time With Lolita – November 4th, 2000

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11:20pm

Tonight was a horrible night.

I’m grounded so I was on ICQ, when Jeff came online. It’s been a while since I’ve seen or spoken to Jeff. 

He messaged me, and he was talking all weird. He said he came on to delete me from his ICQ list, and said “Forget ever knowing me”.

I didn’t understand what was happening, I thought I had done something bad to him. Until he said, “Goodbye, I’m gonna die now. There’s nothing left for me here”.

I was so sad, I felt like screaming and crying, or even dying myself. My heart was racing, and I got into a panic.

He went offline then and I didn’t know what to do. I tried calling him and it just kept ringing and ringing. I called all of our mutual friends, and nobody knew where he was or how to get hold of him. So the only choice I had was to send him a long message online, telling him what a huge mistake he was making.

I just stared at that screen for what seemed like hours, when he finally picked the message up. I’ve never felt so relieved in all my life that he got that message.

We ended up getting into a long conversation online. He was still refusing to pick up my calls.

I told him how I needed him, his friends needed him and his family needed him most of all. I knew that this time he really was meaning to kill himself because I had one of those feelings in my stomach. Exactly the same feeling that I had when I knew my Nan was dead before I heard the news.

We had a really nice, calm conversation. And you know how in movie trilogies, the third movie reveals something that wasn’t quite true in the first movie? It was exactly like that. Because everything I thought about out friendship turned out to be a massive, weird lie.

The first time I met him he was in deep depression over his girlfriend that broke up with him. I helped him get over it because I thought he was a really nice guy, and by looking after him and supporting him, and just trying to be a friend, I guess I did help him get over it. But I’d always thought of him like a brother. Until what he said tonight shattered all of that…

He suddenly said, “I’ve loved you ever since the day that I met you. That night, I sat in bed thinking about you, and thinking about talking to you”. And that was just the tip of the ice berg, there was so much lurking below the surface, because then he said, “One night, I was thinking about you on the way home so much that when I opened the door, I cried when you weren’t there”.

I asked why he’d never told me any of this before, because we’ve known each other for a really, really long time. Then he told me that he was scared, because I’m so much younger than he is. He said, “You made me feel things which nobody has ever made me feel before”.

Nobody has ever said anything like this to me before. Ever. In my whole life. I told him that, and his reply was, “That’s because I want your heart, and nothing else”. I don’t know what to do. I really, really don’t know what to do…

When he said that I had exactly the same feeling I had one night after having a strange dream. In my dream I felt like someone was watching me, like I was being hunted, and my heart was racing and I was paralysed with panic. But someone else was there. I couldn’t see them, but I knew they were there, and they were protecting me.

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Jeff protects me. Even though I haven’t seen him for a while. I know he protects me. He used to give me advice, and even though I did the typical me thing most of the time, and didn’t take it, he still gave it. And there was one time where his advice stopped me from doing something really, really bad (I can’t say what it is in here because someone might see).

He went offline then. I’m still worried sick over him, but I’m sure he won’t do anything stupid now.

Then George came online, and that conversation was strange, too. He told me that he’d tried killing himself before. I was so shocked. I knew he’d thought about it before in the past, but not as deep as that. He was suggesting ways for me to get through to Jeff, but I also got to get some things off my chest. He made me laugh, as usual, which made me feel better.

Then he said to me, “You’ve got to admit, it did suck going out with me, right?” He asked me over. And over. And over. I didn’t know why he was asking me that. 

I still do love him a bit, more than friends. We were so close for so long. In a way, I wish I could take him back, but I’m just going to keep him as a friend.

But I’ll only ever love Jeff as a friend, and that’s all it will ever be…

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