I haven’t written for a few days. This is partly because I’ve just been sleeping.
For the past 3 days all I’ve heard from Chels is all about what happened in the weekend. She’s always looking at me like she’s trying to figure me out, get to the root of my meaning.
After a day and a half of her in my ear the whole time, I reluctantly admitted that I had slept with someone.
Her mouth was wide open. She said she was disappointed. When that word came out of her mouth her eyes squinted and she looked pretty mad with me. She wanted to know who it was, but I didn’t tell her. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing with her overanalysing everything that I do.
She rubbed my back, like she felt sorry for me.
That makes me sick you know, thinking that she feels sorry for me. She probably thought I had been taken advantage of, that’s not the case. Either she thinks that, or she’s really just trying to make me think about my behaviour by reacting in a way that makes me think what I did was wrong.
See, we go to a Catholic girl’s school. This last year we were made to sign a ‘virginity’ contract. This meant that we made a ‘promise’ to our classmates, teacher, and God, that we would not have sex before marriage. I refused to sign it, and gave it back blank, with no name, no signature. I remember her watching me hand it back to the teacher, void of any kind of writing. And she looked at me sideways. I just smiled at her sweetly and let the moment pass. I didn’t want to talk about it with her.
It’s virginity, you see.
Virginity that belongs to me, is my virginity to give away. It’s not something I need to write about in a contract. It’s not something that I need to guard on a promise to a religion I’m not sure about, to people I don’t know very well.
It was mine.
And I don’t miss it.