I’ve done something I’m really ashamed of.
I’m never ashamed, so I know it’s bad.
Friday night I got really drunk. Actually, ‘really drunk’ is such a massive understatement that I for once don’t have words to describe something.
I’ll start from the beginning. But I’m still hungover… this is going to be a hard one.
It all started at the party. And the party started out really really great.
I was hanging out with everyone as usual, we were all having a laugh. Then Lissy comes up to me, grabs me by the arm and yanks me out to the garden. She had such a serious look on her face. She’s never that serious, kind of smiley and happy-go-lucky. But I could tell we were about to talk about something really bad, and my stomach was in my mouth.
She sat me down on a bench and blurted it straight out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
I was completely shocked, and I literally had no idea what she was talking about, so I asked her.
“You and Shane”, she said. “I know what you guys are planning on doing. Tell me you’re not fucking serious”.
I was shocked. Firstly, how did she even know? Secondly, it was only a week ago that everyone was oooh-ing and aaahhh-ing about how ‘awesome’ it was and ‘amazing’. And now it’s come to “What the fuck are you doing?”
Then she ranted on at me for about an hour about how fourteen year old girls should not be planning on running away with someone. Fourteen year old girls should not be planning on getting married at sixteen. Fourteen year old girls shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone.
She’s a little older than me, and boy has she had some life. So even though I was pissed off as hell that she was judging me, I guess I listened more than I would have if anybody else had been saying this to me.
And then I really started to think about it, and I felt, frightened I guess. Really suddenly scared that I’d planned my whole life over a period of about two weeks. I do love Shane, and I think I want to marry him one day. But how do I really know that?
Do I even really know anything? Or am I just looking for someone to hold onto in the dark times?
Anyway, after this conversation, she went inside, then grabbed Shane by the arm, and went and talked to him sternly for a really long time.
He stormed out of the room and punched the wall, so I guess he didn’t take to her ranting as well as I did.
After all this thinking, I got obliterated. I drank EVERYTHING. I drank my drink, then another drink, then another drink, then other people’s drinks, then dregs of drinks. Then I smoked a whole joint. Then I wastedly stumbled around trying to find something else to drink.
Then Shane sat me down and told me off. “Slow down”, he kept saying. “You’re drinking way too much. Have some water. Go lie down”.
But I wasn’t ready to stop partying.
A couple of people were all hanging out in the bedroom, so I went in there, seeing as all my actual friends were being such dick heads.
Someone brought out a little packet, and I thought, “What the hey”. So I joined in.
All of a sudden I felt really weird, and just lay flat on my back for what felt like a million years, feeling really calm. Feeling really high, like nothing mattered, when it did matter, and I shouldn’t have done that.
And now I’m here in my bed, not feeling calm. Not feeling good. Feeling really pissed off with myself, my friends, my boyfriend… but mostly myself. What the hell am I doing?
I need to calm down, take a step back.