The Grapevine – November 16th, 2000

Today is up there with one of the worst days I’ve ever had at school.

Firstly, last night my parents were awake until past midnight drinking with their friends. They are doing the same now.

I woke up with an instant headache from being so tired. I don’t have ear plugs so had to sleep with 2 beanies on my head to drown out the sound, with the pillow over my head. This didn’t drown out much noise, but did make my head really sweaty. So thanks for that mum and dad.

When mum drove us to school it wasn’t my day to decide what station to listen to, which meant I had the joy of mum and my sister singing along to Barbie Girl.

When I got to school, as I walked through the gates, I noticed a few girls glancing my way and whispering. It mustn’t be me, I thought, I don’t even really know those girls. I stared them down though, just to be on the safe side. I’m not one to whisper about, if they know what’s good for them.

When I got to home room, it was my turn to say the prayer. I did a generic, “Thank you Lord for this… Thank you Lord for that… AMEN”, job. Oh, I’m not a morning person. Do not make me say a prayer. It will not be meaningful. It should have gone something like this;

“Dear Lord, please make sure that tonight my parents don’t get out of their heads wasted. I pray to you, please make sure they don’t have loud sex that keeps me awake all night. I pray to you that I can sneak out of the house and see my friends. I pray to you that I get sent home from school today. I pray to you that I don’t have to do prayer time again, because I suck at it, I’m not great at public speaking. Oh, and while I’m praying, please make sure Mr Edmonds doesn’t speak to close to my face today with his coffee and cigarette breath while he’s looking down my dress. AMEN”

By the time second period came around, I was already really over today. But then it got better. Oh, so much better, when I got a note passed to me from Chels which said, “How are you feeling today? I hope you’re not too down”.

What is with her mission to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me? Just because she wouldn’t choose to do something like that doesn’t mean I have to be the same.

I looked at her, scrunched up the letter, and dropped it on the floor.

At interval, I sat by myself, eating my apple, reading my book. She apologised. I said it’s okay, but to let it go. She’s completely getting on my nerves.

More girls, different ones, started talking about me then. I knew it was true because the same thing happened, more looking, giggling, whispering behind hands.

During third period, I got another note passed to me. This one from a girl called Anna. “Is it true that you did it? Fran overheard you telling Chels”.

Oh, news travels so fast in this place.

I did what I do best when I’ve been caught out, DENY DENY DENY.

Thankfully (for me, not the girl I’m about to mention), but a girl called Kate who I’ve known since I was 10, is pregnant. She’s 13 too. I feel horrible for her because that must be so scary. The upside for me is nobody is talking about ME now. But… the school has been begging her in the office not to get an abortion. They showed her a video of an abortion to put her off. This makes me completely disgusted. I hope her mum finds out.

Word through the grapevine is that she’s going to keep it.

After school I met a weird boy in the bus depot called Damian. Damian goes to a school about 40 minutes away from my house. He’s about to finish because he will be 18 soon. He has shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes. He is in a Smashing Pumpkins tribute band apparently. He asked me out and I said no straight away, but said he could add me on MSN and gave him my email. Ugh, boys! All of you please just go away.

I don’t really know what’s happening with me and Shane, but I think it’s time we had “that” conversation.

I got home, ready for a long rest.

I checked my email, and there were 15 unread emails from Jeff… who I’ve been avoiding like the plague. He was saying how much he loves me, needs me, needs to talk to me. DELETE DELETE DELETE. I’ve already emailed him this week to check on him, see that he’s okay, but he’s becoming possessive and scary.

I sat down then, and had just taken a bite of my dinner which I made for me and my sister, when 2 of dad’s friends come in with boxes of beer. Then mum gets home. Then the men’s wives come over with wine. Then me and my sister get shooed off to our rooms. Then the loud music starts again, and I have a thumping headache and I want to scream.

I smoked a quick and very sneaky joint out my window so I can go to sleep. One of dad’s friends who was smoking a cigarette outside said into the house, “Which one of you guys has pot, I can smell it”. I stubbed it out and sprayed my room with perfume.

For crying out loud, just let me fucking sleep.

LATER…

The phone rang before and I swear I almost cried because I didn’t want it to be Chels. I am going to kill her if her questioning goes on much longer.

It was Shane saying go out to the house that’s being built in front of ours in half an hour.

So I did.

I hadn’t seen him since the weekend. When he hugged me I smelt his skin, his hair and his clothes. He smelt so good, like he always does. And it make my skin prickle.

I told him what was going on and cried a little bit. But he brushed my tears away like he always does, and kissed me for 10 minutes. He said, and I know this sounds like a cliche, but that one day we’d go away me and him, and I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore.

I hope that day comes soon.

We both have planned to wag school tomorrow and pretend we’re sick. Though I might not have to pretend if tonight goes on for as long as last night.

So here I am, worst day ever, looking at my 2 beanies and my pillow and praying that I can sleep tonight, for fucks sake! I guess praying is something I’m good at after all.

The Virginity Contract – November 15th, 2000

I haven’t written for a few days. This is partly because I’ve just been sleeping.

For the past 3 days all I’ve heard from Chels is all about what happened in the weekend. She’s always looking at me like she’s trying to figure me out, get to the root of my meaning.

After a day and a half of her in my ear the whole time, I reluctantly admitted that I had slept with someone.

Her mouth was wide open. She said she was disappointed. When that word came out of her mouth her eyes squinted and she looked pretty mad with me. She wanted to know who it was, but I didn’t tell her. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing with her overanalysing everything that I do.

She rubbed my back, like she felt sorry for me.

That makes me sick you know, thinking that she feels sorry for me. She probably thought I had been taken advantage of, that’s not the case. Either she thinks that, or she’s really just trying to make me think about my behaviour by reacting in a way that makes me think what I did was wrong.

See, we go to a Catholic girl’s school. This last year we were made to sign a ‘virginity’ contract. This meant that we made a ‘promise’ to our classmates, teacher, and God, that we would not have sex before marriage. I refused to sign it, and gave it back blank, with no name, no signature. I remember her watching me hand it back to the teacher, void of any kind of writing. And she looked at me sideways. I just smiled at her sweetly and let the moment pass. I didn’t want to talk about it with her.

It’s virginity, you see.

My virginity.

MINE.

Virginity that belongs to me, is my virginity to give away. It’s not something I need to write about in a contract. It’s not something that I need to guard on a promise to a religion I’m not sure about, to people I don’t know very well.

It’s mine.

It was mine.

And I don’t miss it.

I Think I Got Away With It – November 13, 2000

Finally I’m back from school and I can finish what I was writing yesterday.

After everyone found out about me and Shane, we went back and joined the party, without having to hide it from everyone. What was annoying though, was that everybody wanted to know EVERYTHING about EVERTYHING. When did it happen. Had we liked eachother like that all along. Was this going on since last time we were busted kissing. Had we had sex. Do we ‘luuuurve’ eachother. Do my other friends know. Does this mean we’re exclusive now.

I just wanted to scream ‘SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP’. But instead we were both nice about it, didn’t really tell them anything and acted coy about everything.

We had a few more drinks, a bit of a dance. Some moron microwaved an egg still in it’s shell and it blew up all over James’ kitchen.

Noise control came twice. But that usually happens.

Something happened between Lissy and Teesh and they had a huge fight in front of everyone. Lissy ended up crying in the toilet for half an hour and I couldn’t get her out. Neither of them would tell anybody what it was about, but I’m almost positive that it’s because Teesh kept looking at a GUY.

After a while I was just so tired, and then I kept getting nervous about whether mum and dad were going to find out about me not being where I was supposed to be for the night. I made Dane drive me past my parents house. It was 1am. They weren’t home yet. I was SO RELIEVED!

Then I went back without a care in the world.

I was so tired that as soon as I went back to the house I brushed my teeth and hair, got changed, and hopped into bed. After 10 minutes Shane came in and crawled into bed with me. He put his arms around me and nuzzled into my neck. It was that moment when I realised I didn’t even care if I DID get caught out by mum and dad, that this was worth it times a billion.

I can’t lie, we did it again. Quite a lot. I think that it’s getting better and better each time. I didn’t go to sleep until about 4:30am. It wasn’t just because of “that”, but because we were talking, laughing, joking, singing and telling stories too. He’s a fun person to be around, and that’s why we’ve been friends for so long.

After I fell asleep, each time I woke up a little bit it was like he knew because his arms got tighter around me and he pulled me closer.

I swear I would run away forever with him just so we could do this all the time. I’m sure lots of people say that, but I really, really mean it. I really love him so much that I could cry, as a friend, as more than a friend. I know I’ve said that before in this diary about someone else, but now I feel like this I realise everything I thought about love and relationships really didn’t even mean anything. But I guess that’s just how it goes.

In the morning, when I woke up, I got to roll over and see his face while he was sleeping, and he looked happy and cute. His face is still bruised from the other day at the skate park, and his knuckles are bruised too. But that somehow added to his charm.

It was about 10 minutes later that the others came in, jumped into bed with us, 7 of us in the bed together, making jokes about the night before and whining about our headaches.

James asked Shane if he wanted to go to the beach for a surf. Then everybody else decided it was a good idea too. I said I’d better get home, and then everybody started peer pressuring me to go with them!

I said that I was nervous in case Chels called me at home. Then I would be found out and who even knows what they would do.

Lissy had a great idea that I call Chels, tell her that I’m doing something I didn’t want my parents knowing about, and if she could not call me at home. So I did. She was on the phone for ages trying to get me to tell her what exactly what I was doing. Exactly who I was with. Exactly where I was going. I held her off by saying I’d tell her at school. I don’t think I will though.

I had to go by Lissy’s and borrow a bikini. It’s so gross wearing someone elses bikini. Yuck. But it was better than wearing my underwear on the beach, that’s where I draw the line.

We had to take a couple of cars, but I went with Shane, James and the other guys. It’s always better for some reason hanging out with a bunch of dudes. You can joke about anything, say anything, and no matter how gross it is they will find it funny.

In the car we got high.

When I got to the beach I felt really giddy, like everything was funny. I got out of the car like a bullet out of a gun, ran down to the beach, peeling off and throwing my clothes as I went.

I ran straight into the stream that leads to the beach. The water was so cold after being in the stuffy car. But I felt the best, really relaxed, happy, a little bit high. With the black sand under my feet and the blue skies above me. It was all perfect.

I saw the others coming closer then. Shane was picking up my clothes bit by bit, shaking his head at me. He yelled “What the hell are you doing?” But I knew he was amused.

He said he was going to teach me how to surf. I wasn’t great. Standing up was so hard, I kept slipping off and each time my heart was leaping because I was worried I was going to get hurt. The surf was really rough so I tried to catch waves that had broken and were slowly making their way to shore. It only really worked twice.

Behind where the waves were breaking we both had a rest and sat facing eachother on the board. We had an impromptu sing along and a little kiss. But I was worried I was getting sunburned so swam to the shore.

We stayed there for about 3 hours when I decided I should definitely go home.

When I came back mum asked why Chels’ parents didn’t come in. I said they were in a rush. She asked me why my feat were covered in sand. I told her they’d taken us for a stroll along the beach. I was still a bit high. I wanted my half an apple.

I can’t believe I actually got away with this. And I think I just had the best 21 hours of my life. Take me back again.

Busted – November 12th, 2000

It’s 9pm as I write this because I’ve been sleeping for the past 4 hours.

Last night was IN-SANE. Even for me the risk that I took was big.

My parents had plans to go out to town last night, and have some drinks with their friends. My sister was off to her friends house, so I was meant to have Chels stay with me here, but for obvious reasons I called that off.

Mum asked what I was going to do, and I don’t know where it came from but I just blerted out that I was going to Chels’ house instead. I said her dad was going to come by and pick me up.

As soon as I said it, I regretted it. My hands got sweaty just thinking about what if she called her house to see if I was lying? What if she insisted that she was going to pick me up in the morning? FUCK!

It was too late to back out then, what was I going to do? I was just praying that they both got:
A) Too drunk before they left to care where I was going
B) Were too hungover the next day to want to pick me up

As it happens, they did end up drinking before they left (thankgodthankgodthankgod!)

Mum looked really pretty actually, and when she asked dad how she looked he just said, “Okay”. He can be such a dick! I don’t know why she’s married to him. I hope she gets hit on in front of him, that’ll teach him!

She had 3 glasses of wine and he had about 5 beers. Then their friends came over. Then they had another drink.

I was watching the clock thinking, “GO GO GO GO GO”.

Finally, their taxi van arrived and they left.

Almost straight away I picked up the phone, dialed Shane’s number, and told him to come and get me.

I quickly brushed my hair, rubbed some coconut oil into my skin (Lissy told me coconut oil is sexy! Who knows?) I put on my sweater dress because I knew it would stil be kind of cold.

Then I heard his car.

Right when he got to the door, I swung it open and kissed him. He lifted me up a bit. I noticed his hair is GREEN now. It looks awesome.

I was really nervous that the taxi was going to turn around because someone forgot something. My heart was in my throat.

I picked up my backpack, it had a few things back for over night. Shane looked at the bag, then looked at me and said, “Really?” With a huge grin. I can’t believe that I did that to be honest. I just really hope I don’t get snapped eventually. Mums have a gift at finding things out.

In the car, he kept looking over at me and smiling. We sang along to Orgy. I said that maybe we shouldn’t tell out friends, because they would try to get involved. He agreed.

When we got to the party we had to act like nothing was different. It was SO MUCH HARDER than I thought it would be.

We get there, and James had made me this crazy looking drink in a big glass with 2 umbrellas in it. He’d made all the girls those drinks. I took a sip and was almost blown away by how much alcohol was in it. He’s not good at making up drinks.

Almost as soon as I got there, Lissy and Teesh grabbed me by my arms into the corner. This always happens. Them and me just getting drunk together and gossiping in a corner somewhere. Until they start kissing, and then I’m the third wheel.

They are so funny. Teesh made Lissy corn braid her hair. Corn braids are not something that I think is pretty, but I wasn’t about to say that to her.

Even though my drink was gross I kept sipping until I was at the bottom of my glass. I took it up to the kitchen and jingled the ice at James for him to fill my glass up. He did. This time I pointed to how much rum I wanted, and how much coke. Just to be on the safe side, hah hah.

Me and a few of the girls got up then and were dancing to Rage Against The Machine. Then the guys joined in. Then they got too out of control and James swore at everybody to calm down in case something broke.

I kept looking over at Shane for the whole hour, and he’d look back at me across the room, and we’d both smile. I heard James ask him what was up, why did we keep looking at eachother? And he said, “Nothing, we just had a joke in the car”. And then winked at me.

The girl came in then, the one that Shane had something with a few parties ago. He didn’t even look at her, and she looked a little bit upset when she smiled in his direction and he barely saw. I felt a bit sorry for her to be honest.

I finished my drink and went and got another, and went and spoke to James, Scotty and Shane in the kitchen. They were seeing who could skull a beer the quickest.

I had my hand down by my side, and Shane touched it with his fingers when nobody was looking at me.

That was when I snuck off to one of the rooms down the hall. I brushed my hair again. Then Shane walked in.

He walked over to me, put my face in his hands and kissed me. He said it was too hard not to kiss me the whole time, that he kept looking at me all night and had just wanted to.

We kissed for a while, until we heard banging on the ceiling. When I looked up, there was James, there was Scotty, there was Lissy, there was Dane… all looking down at us through the skylight. They actually CLIMBED ONTO THE ROOF to see! When we looked up we knew we had been caught out. My mouth was wide open.

Then they all screamed, “oooOOOOOOooooH!” Ah, I’ve never blushed so much.

I’m so tired now, I’ll write the rest tomorrow.

Okay,so I lied? – November 11th, 2000

Call me mean, a bad friend, a liar, but I don’t care.

I called Chels and told her I’m not feeling great so she won’t come over. I was just overcome with this feeling like I should go out tonight and see Shane.

I know it was a mean thing to do to her, but in all fairness, I told her to come over next weekend instead. She’s in a possible shitty with me now, but I’m sure she will get over it.

I told her it was that time of the month, but I’m pretty sure she knows that just finished for me…

Hopefully not.

She’s really good at remembering things though, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d put it in her diary. Eek, scary thought.

But, straight after I hung up the phone after talking to her, the phone rang again.

I picked it up and it was Shane. He said to please, please, please call my night with my friend off and go hang out with him instead. I didn’t tell him that I already had because it was more fun that way. See? Another mean thing/lie!

My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, I’ve never felt like this before. Honestly, I feel like I could just burst out laughing at any moment because I’m so happy.

This can’t be real!

Anyway, I might not get so dressed up tonight. Apparently there’s a little get together at James’ house. I can’t wait.

I know people have always said that sex is a powerful thing, and so is lust, and it makes you think and act crazy. But this is a mixture of love/lust. I already loved him more than anyone, but now this. It shouldn’t be legal!

Ahhh, I have to go. Dad’s calling me. He’s been trying to get me to clean the house all day. CLEAN IT YOURSELF.

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I Lost Something, I Found Something – November 11th, 2000

I’m going to write this really quickly because Chels is coming over to stay the night soon. I’m also going to have to hide this somewhere because I can’t believe what I’m about to write.

Last night something crazy happened.

Shane’s parents were away in a hotel. Shane says they are going to get divorced he thinks, so they went away to see if they could get back some of what they had or something. I really don’t get how going to a hotel will fix anything, but what do I know?

I walked over there after getting dressed up. I honestly felt so good. When I was walking over I had 3 boys whistle out their car window. I actually hate it when guys do that, whistle at us like we’re sheep dogs or something. Is that supposed to make us swoon to them? Who knows. Clearly they are idiots.

When I got to his house I hid behind his fence for a while because I was really nervous. His house has the messiest front lawn I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s plumbing pipes, bits of cars, old bits of wood, all piled up in their lawn. He said that’s part of the reason why his mum can’t take it anymore.

Anyway, I managed to get up the courage to walk to his door. When I knocked, it felt like a thousand years before he opened the door.

When he saw me his eyes went really wide. Then I was self concious. I asked him what was wrong, and he said nothing, that I looked really nice. He said he was just worried in case I got the wrong idea and thought he was having a party. (I didn’t tell him what was going on in my head by the way).

He’d got out some movies that I like. Ones that he really hates. Like The Wizard of OZ, and also BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! That made me laugh. As if I’d expect him to watch that with me!!

He put The Wizard of OZ on, and told me he was just making dinner. As it happens, he made tacos. He makes the best Mexican food in the whole world from his mum’s recipes. I don’t know what’s in there but it’s so good. I only ate one taco though, I didn’t have food on my mind.

We sat there for a while, after dinner. We drank some stolen Baileys, and made fun of the Cowardly Lion.

Then after the movie was finished, we put on some music.

When there was a lull in our conversation, I slid up to him on the couch. He looked down at me with a half smile. Almost a questioning kind of look. A bit like he was wondering what was happening.

And then I kissed him. We kissed for so, so long. It ended up with me lying on the couch and him on top of me, just kissing like that, for a very long time.

Then we went to his bedroom.

I can’t write too much about this just in case someone reads. Also, I will blush.

He actually carried me there. CARRIED ME. Like in the movies. I was thinking in my head, ‘Is this real?’. Because CARRYING ME, honestly…does anybody really do that?

When he lay me down he came and sat next to me, and we both laughed a little bit. We know eachother so well, yet it wasn’t awkward doing this, it was like it was meant to happen all along.

He brushed his fingers over my face, and then kissed my eyes, and kissed my neck.

Then he took my clothes off, and I took his clothes off. And all of sudden we were both naked with his sheets over us.

I honestly can’t even bring myself to go into detail… eek.

It was amazing having his arms around me. He’s kind of muscly. Having his arms around me and his weight on top of me made me feel really safe, kind of like I was in some sort of cucoon. I know that sounds lame. It probably is. But it was amazing to me.

Afterwards we started laughing again. I put my hands over my face like I was embarassed and started giggling into my hands, but he pulled my hands away and kissed me again.

We talked and laughed for a while, and then he said, “I bet you want to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, don’t you?” And it was funny because, I DID!

After we watched the movie, he walked me home. I had to call mum to tell her I was on my way back because she thought I was at a family friends house down the road.

All the way home, he held my hand really tight. He said he couldn’t believe what had happened, and to be honest, neither could I really. He kept looking at me and smiling.

When we got to my house he said he didn’t want me to go. We hung out for a while in a house that’s getting built out the front of mine and kissed some more. Every time I was about to leave, we ended up kissing again.

Finally, I had to leave.

When I walked in the house mum was mad because I had taken half an hour longer than I’d told her on the phone. I just told her I’d bumped into someone on the street.

Honestly, I thought I would feel angry, annoyed or disgusted with myself after doing it. But I feel amazing. Like, truly truly good and glad. Because me and Shane are so close, we always have and we always will be. But now I feel like, I really know him. And, that’s what he said to me too when we were watching Buffy.

I keep smiling.

I kind of wish Chels wasn’t coming over tonight, because my parents are going out for drinks in town, and I wish I could just go over there and see him again.

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Gearing Up – November 10th, 2000

I’m gearing myself up.

I’ve decided I’m going out tonight. As soon as I got back from school I was straight in the shower. I had a half bath/half shower. If you’ve never had one of those, you should. I know the idea is gross but the actual feeling of it is well worth it.

I washed my hair, and left conditioner in it for 20 minutes as I bathed in my bath/shower.

After 40 mins, my mum started to get pissed off. She banged on the door and yelled, “Get out of the fucking shower, you’ve used all the hot water”.

I thought that was a girls prerogative?

Anyway, I blow dried my hair, and spent about half an hour curling it.

I had a go at putting on eye makeup. It looked like I had black eyes. I took it off. Then I looked like I had been crying from rubbing it off my eyes. So I put makeup back on. It looks okay.

I took so long deciding what clothes to wear.

I’m wearing a black skirt which goes up to my waist and a purple and black singlet with an Indian style print. I’m wearing my Docs.

I tip-toed upstairs and stole a spray of mum’s perfume. I also stole a cigarette. I also stole half a bottle of Baileys. She doesn’t even  like it that much so she won’t miss it.

Now, I’m telling you this because, well, you’re basically me book.

But this is going to be the night.

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A Fight At The Skate Park – November 9th, 2000

Something really, really bad has just happened.

I just got a phone call from James. Apparently him and Shane were down at the skate park (they go there a lot together. They call it ‘bro time’, because they are idiots). Well, Jason was there.

James told me that they overheard Jason talking about me to his friends, bragging and saying shit about me that isn’t even true. He clearly didn’t see James and Shane.

Then apparently Shane just smashed his board on the ground, walked up to Jason, grabbed him by the throat and just bashed him repetitively against the side of the ramp, screaming “Don’t talk about her! Don’t talk about her!”… or something.

James told me that Jason punched Shane in the face about 3 times and he was covered in blood. Then Shane just laid into him apparently. James said he kneed him in the nuts and everything, and slammed his head into the wood.

He said that Jason’s friends had to drag Shane off and he was lucky he didn’t get a hiding from everyone. James said he pushed them off him anyway and they ran to the car and sped off.

He said Shane is at home now mending his face.

James said it was the most exciting thing he’s ever seen.

I don’t know what to think. I feel like, well, I can fight my own battles. But on the other hand, I kind of like that someone is fighting them for me.

He’s amazing. I’ve said it before. Because it’s true.

I think I might have made up my mind.

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School Yard Roughhousing – November 9th, 2000

At school today we were all sitting around gossiping. There’s so many stupid bitches at our school, I’m surprised we don’t gossip more than we do. The gossiping happened because there are 2 cousins that are in my class together. They call themselves ‘sisters’ because they live in the same house (one of them was abandoned by their parents). Anyway, there I was, eating my half an apple like I do every day, and then we suddenly heard all this screaming.

I looked over, and the 2 ‘sisters’ are going at it in the yard. The younger (and smaller) one was punching the other one in the face so hard, and the bigger one was just taking it. I watched her face, and saw the moment when something ticked over and she completely snapped. Then she grabbed the smaller ones hair and started dragging her around by it. The smaller one let out the worst blood churning scream.

Then a nun came out.

I swear they both just stopped in their tracks, the bigger one with the smaller ones hair still in her hands. The smaller one with her mouth open. Just frozen.

Everyone, and I mean everyone just stopped what they were doing. Even I did, mid apple bite.

The nun screamed, “GET. IN. MY. OFFICE. NOOOOOOW!” And she dragged them up the hill to reception.

I will be surprised if I see either of them for another week or 2. It was THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN AT LUNCH.

Anyway, after laughing about that for a while, we started gossiping about them, then about other people, then about me. And I blurted, “I’ve been thinking about doing it”.

I was expecting a little more shock. Chels was shocked and told me not to even think about it until I’m 16. But the other 2 told me they’d already done it. I can’t believe they lied to me right to my face like that. I’ve never seen either of them with a boyfriend so why bother lying to me.

Oh, I don’t know. I just want someone to tell me if I’m being crazy instead of just lying. What to doooooo!!!!??

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Sex: Should I/Shouldn’t I – November 8th, 2000

I’ve been feeling like (and I can’t believe I’m writing this), maybe that I’m ready to have sex.

I know I’m only almost 14, but I feel like I’m a lot different to other girls. I’ve been through so much more than other girls my age that I know, and I feel like I have a different outlook on life than too.

It’s weird because suddenly, it’s pretty much the only thing I think of all the time. I heard that boys think about sex every 7 seconds. But, is that just boys? 

I see sex in EVERYTHING at the moment. Some foods make me think about sex, watching kissing on TV makes me think about sex, some songs on the radio make me think about sex, and sometimes NOTHING makes me think about sex and I just think about it because I’m thinking about it.

I feel like I want to do it, maybe with someone that I know really well.

I can’t even explain how embarrassing this is to say on paper. Now I’m going to have to either carry this book with my everywhere, or find a really, REALLY good hiding place for it so nobody sees.

But, don’t judge me book. I’m not an idiot and I know I’m young, but it’s up to me really.

Off the topic, Jeff has been emailing me a few times a day. I’ve asked him to see me but he still won’t. Shane says that Jeff is emotionally blackmailing me in a way, by telling me he’s going to kill himself. Shane says he doesn’t think Jeff has a genuine bone in his body. He thinks that Jeff is just talking about suicide so I won’t cut off contact, so he thinks I should just stop talking to him completely and that he won’t go through with it.

I don’t know what to think. I’m not always replying to his messages because he’s commanding too much of my time, and the reality is that I’m not interested in being his girlfriend and I’ll never be interested. He’s way too old and the whole situation is a bit off.

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